Now that I’ve survived the postpartum fourth trimester once and I’m getting ready to do it again, I’ve been thinking about what helped me through that vulnerable period and what I should do differently this next time around. I know it won’t be exactly the same because all babies are different and I’ll have an 18-month-old to care for as well, but I still want to be as prepared as possible.
If you’re a first-time-mom anxiously awaiting the arrival of your little one, I know how uncertain you probably feel as you wonder what life will be like once you’re home with the baby and recovering from childbirth. Here’s my postpartum survival guide, which includes my top tips that I would tell a friend as they approach the fourth trimester.
My Postpartum Survival Guide for New Moms in the Fourth Trimester
Accept That Your House Will be Messy for a Bit
When you’re recovering from childbirth, learning to breastfeed a newborn, and the most sleep-deprived you’ll ever be in your life, housework will have to take a backseat. Buy a stack of paper plates and bowls to minimize dishes in the sink. Do one load of laundry essentials a day, as needed (onesies/sleepers, burp cloths, clean underwear). Fill a veggie tray with your favorite snacks to keep available when you’re glued to the couch or bed. This time period is about survival, so take all the shortcuts you need and accept that the floors might be sticky for a bit.
When People Say “Let Me Know If You Need Anything”, Ask Them To Do a Specific Task
Before I had kids, I never knew what to do for new parents. I’d usually bring over a meal or cute (but unnecessary) baby outfit, but would have loved if the parents gave me a chore to take off their plate instead. So when someone inevitably asks what they can do, ask if they’ll run the vacuum, wipe down the bathroom counters, throw in a load of laundry, wash the dishes, or (if you trust them) ask them to hold the baby while you shower or take a nap. If they’re decent people they’ll be more than happy to help in any way possible. If they’re not, they don’t need to be in your house right now.
Stick to Your Boundaries With Visitors
This goes for at home and in the hospital. If someone wants to visit and you just can’t handle the idea of being around them, don’t be afraid to tell them you need to reschedule. If you’re at the hospital, most nurses are more than happy to be the bad guy and keep anyone out of the room that you don’t want in. The birthing parent has ultimate say in who comes through the door – if you don’t want your mother-in-law visiting at the hospital, it doesn’t matter how your partner feels. If the baby didn’t come out of their body, they can wait and MIL can visit another time.
If you’re home and someone’s bothering you to visit, ignore their calls/texts if you have to. Keep the door locked. Tell them you’ll reach out when you’re ready for visitors. Give zero fucks (fortunately, I’ve found that having a baby really helps with eliminating the number of fucks you have to give).
Never Skip the Opportunity to Shower
In the words of my husband after our newborn son spit up on him for the 10th time in a day, “I literally feel like a sewer”. Babies are gross and you’ll find yourself with so much more laundry than you expected (which is why I recommend 1 load a day). Despite the trope that new parents never have time to shower, I didn’t find that to be the case for us because we both prioritized giving each other that break. We both needed it for our mental health. I feel more productive and healthy and I sleep better when I’m clean, so showers were a major postpartum priority for me.
If you desperately need a shower but you don’t have anyone to watch the baby, put them in the bouncer in the bathroom with you and let them chill while you get clean. Once my husband went back to work and I was on my own with the baby, that bouncer basically lived in the bathroom. The baby will be fine for a few minutes and you can still peek through the curtain to check on them.
Get Outside and Go For a Walk Whenever Possible
I’m a big “there’s no such thing as bad weather” person (within reason). My son was born in the middle of Michigan winter and it was 3 degrees outside the day we brought him home, so there wasn’t much opportunity to sit outside and enjoy the fresh air in the very beginning. Not to mention, I had to be patient with c-section recovery and it was a week or two before I felt comfortable going for a walk around the block. Once the weather was above freezing and I was crawling out of my skin with cabin fever, there were so many advantages to bundling him up in the bassinet stroller and getting outside for a short time. He’d fall asleep almost instantly every time, and fresh air is great for brand new immune systems. Walking is also good for your physical recovery and will help ease you back into gentle movement and exercise.
Breastfeeding: Take it One Feed at a Time
The first few weeks of breastfeeding was the hardest for me. Between sore nips, cluster feeding, and figuring out which holding positions work best for you and baby, it’s a lot. It doesn’t help if your mind is telling you “oh god, I seriously have to do this for a YEAR?” Some of the best advice I was given was to take it one feed at a time. Don’t focus on anything except getting through the next feed. You can always stop after that one, but no matter what, you can probably make it through one more feed.
On a similar note, another great piece of breastfeeding advice I got was to stick the baby on your boob pretty much anytime they were fussy. Chances are it’ll calm them down, they’ll get some skin-to-skin time which is hugely beneficial to both of you, and it’ll help establish your milk supply while soothing baby to sleep.
Remember: There Are No Bad Habits Right Now
You are in survival mode. The baby does not know they are no longer physically inside of your body. You will not create bad habits by holding the baby too much or allowing them to contact nap if that’s the only way they will sleep. It is physically impossible to “spoil” a baby. They want and need all the love and cuddles they can get. That being said, if you have to put the baby in the bassinet that they hate so you can take 5 minutes to poop while they scream, that’s also completely fine. You’re not harming them by putting them in a safe space to step away and take a moment for yourself.
Ignore Criticism From Anyone You Wouldn’t Take Advice From
This is good life advice in general, but especially when it comes to pregnancy, childbirth, and parenting. People feel SO entitled to share their unsolicited advice, opinions, and generally stupid commentary with new moms. Even men who lack every biological necessity to take part in this experience – suddenly they’re experts on c-sections, breastfeeding, whether you can “spoil” a baby by holding them too much (you can’t). Some people are just dumber than dogshit and don’t know when to shut up, so don’t take their opinions or commentary to heart. If you wouldn’t go to them for advice, don’t give their criticism any weight.
Don’t Be Afraid to Bother the Pediatrician
Trust your instincts as your baby’s parent and ultimate advocate. If you are worried about something and it would ease your mind to ask the pediatrician about it, do it. That’s what you pay them for. They know more than anyone that new parents are anxious as hell and don’t know what they don’t know. When my baby was a few days old and I noticed some red in his wet diaper, I panicked and called the pediatrician even though he had an appointment the next day. That’s when I learned about “brick dust”, a totally normal occurrence in some of the first baby pee.
Remember: Nothing Good Happens on Google After 10pm
While it’s handy to have the world of advice at our fingertips, you’re not doing yourself any favors by Googling SIDS and positional asphyxiation statistics while nursing the baby in the middle of the night. Ask me how I know.
I hope some of this helps ease your mind a little while caring for your new baby and recovering from childbirth. If you’re on the other side of it, what advice would you give new parents for the postpartum period?
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